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TODAY'S
ISSUE
Some examples of why
English is so hard to learn
By Richard Lederer
Reprinted by permission
Editor's note, 6/6/03:
In Tuesday's GwinnettForum, an article about the English language
was attributed to one person, and now we learn that the original
piece was written by another, way back in 1989. We have learned
from a reader in Palo Alto, Calif. that the original author is
Dr. Richard Lederer, an English scholar, now living in San Diego,
Cal., where he is a writer, lecturer, and public radio host. He
is the author of 19 books, and an expert on the English language.
His original four part series on "Crazy English" was
picked up by Reader's Digest several years ago. It has circled
the world many times on the Internet, often attributed to others.For
more information on Dr. Lederer, go to www.verbivore.com.
GwinnettForum regrets this error.
JUNE 3, 2003 -- Reasons why the English language is so hard to
learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) A farm produces produce.
3) The dump had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time
to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I might use all my might to achieve my aim.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor is there ham in hamburger; neither
apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in
England nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and
a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is
it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index,
two indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed
to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel
at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects
the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race
at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but
when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S.: And why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
ELLIOTT
BRACK
Whacky
events in Carolina, and mighty Krakatoa
By Elliott Brack
editor and publisher
GwinnettForum.com
JUNE 3, 2003 -- The capture, even, of Eric Rudolph carries with
it the stuff of legends. After one of the most outlandish manhunts
in the country, with law enforcement officials coming up plain empty
handed even in the face of all sorts of technology, here a routine
patrol by a rookie policeman results in Rudolph's capture.
And instead of a shoot-em-out, Rudolph almost docilely gives up,
out behind a Dumpster. No romance there.
Apparently someone at the police office recognized Rudolph, who
attempted to get by with a false name. And to the dismay of the
dramatists, Rudolph calmly admitted who he was.
People will be saying for years, "You won't believe how he
was caught!" You even wonder, with his reported sightings over
recent days, if Rudolph wasn't weary of the case, and was ready
to be captured.
Most ironic aspect of the whole week, to our thinking, was the
swarming in of some 100 lawmen in the aftermath of his capture.
Some put out the word they were combing the area for evidence of
where he was hiding.
What made this whacky to me was the fact that in over six years,
when the lawmen couldn't find Rudolph, how much could be gained
by learning where he was hiding? And anyway, why wouldn't Rudolph
simply tell them?
Truth be known, we suspect those lawmen only wanted to see Rudolph
close up for themselves. People, including lawmen, you know, are
curious.
* * * *
How about a good book? It's non-fiction, and the plot is a giveaway
from its title. If you like a good read, try Simon Winchester's
"Krakatoa: The Day The World Exploded, August 23, 1883."
It's the telling of all the mighty forces coming together for perhaps
the loudest sound ever heard on earth, the eruption of the Krakatoa
volcano located between Sumatra and Java in what we know now as
Indonesia. And what havoc it wracked on mankind:
.
… 36,000 people killed.
… Tidal waves over 150 feet high.
… Weather changes affecting most of the world.
… This one is hard to believe. But the explosion was so loud
it was heard 3,000 miles away.
… Barometer picked up shock waves rolling around the world
seven times!
Interestingly, the eruption came shortly after a trans-oceanic
cable was laid connecting the area with England. This became one
of the first major disasters, which people knew about rather quickly
because of the telegraphic network of cables.
Another interesting sidelight: an expensive instrument, the barograph,
had been invented, which was costly. Because of its price, it was
bought by social clubs all over the world, and often sat at a high
place on the mantel, and recorded barometric pressures on a weekly
basis.
Therefore, when people started checking the graph of the week's
pressure, they found mighty spikes, which corresponded with the
timing of the volcano's exploding, when taking into consideration
the distance from the epicenter. That's how it's known that the
sound waves went around the world seven times.
You learn a lot in this book about conditions in colonial domains,
how the world's tectonic plates are continuously pressuring one
another, and how this type of eruption will eventually come again.
There's even a smaller "son of Krakatoa" today growing
near where the former one erupted, itself spewing smoke, ash and
pumice and small eruptions into the atmosphere. The new volcano
started forming in 1928, where there was open water before.
"Read great books," we learn from the wise. Include Krakatoa
in that list to learn about and to marvel at what the earth can
do to itself, and to all of us.
ABOUT
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their email address is jdsequip@aol.com.
NEWS
Reception celebrates
opening new art exhibitions
Thirty-four artists are represented in the Hudgens Center for
the Arts "Members Juried Exhibition," opening on Thursday,
June 5 and continuing through August 23.
You are invited to come meet these artists and see their work
at a special reception from 6 to 8 p.m. on Thursday, June 5.
There is no admission fee for this event.
Also opening on the same evening will be "Illustrations
by Robert Cremeans" in the Children's Gallery, Children's
Arts Museum, and "Immigrant Series" by Atlanta artist
Pat Drew in the Kistner Gallery.
Ms. Drew is also the juror for this exhibition, and she will
be announcing the winners for first, second, and third place
prizes, as well as honorable mentions.
For more information call 770-623-6002.
THOUGHT OF THE DAY
How to find out what
a person thinks of you
"To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad."
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, via Roy McCreary, Dacula
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